The homeless problem hits Redhill

I was just outside the Harlequin cinema last night, waiting for my old pal from work David to show up. We'd planned to check out this new Simpsons Movie that everyone in the office seems to be raving about, just to finally set the record straight over whether it's really worth all the hype or not.

Well, David was late as usual, so old muggins here was left outside twiddling his thumbs. Typical. One thing you can always rely on David for is that he's going to be a bit late. I thought he might send a quick text to let me know where he was, but no. Not a peep. Tried calling him, but his bloody phone was switched off.

Anyway, I was standing there getting more and more impatient - which is my right in a situation like that, I think - when this old drunk chap approaches me and asks for some change. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind giving money to a registered charity like Oxfam or the RNLI. But I do believe that there's such a thing as killing with kindness. How do you know where the money's going? On a bowl of potato soup? Or is it - and I hope you'll allow me a wild conjecture here - going towards a six pack of Tennant's Super?

With the way this guy's breath smelled, I had pretty good reason to believe the latter. And so I took the liberty of politely refusing his request for some money. And would you believe, the poor old fellow took it personally! He reacted not just by swearing in my face, but by brandishing a fist, no less! "I hope you'll be homeless one day," he said, as though it was some kind of grim prophecy. "Not much chance of that mate," I said to myself as I found my car keys in my pocket, and then took the opportunity to find a place where I could wait for David without being hassled. Namely, locked inside the car.

The problem as I see it, is that if he wasn't such an unpleasant man, he probably wouldn't be on the streets in the first place, right? Most people who find themselves without a home can usually find a friend who'll offer them a couch until they get back on their feet. It's only the arseholes who can't find anyone to help them. I'm not saying they deserve to be on the streets. I'm just...

Let me rephrase that.

They deserve to be on the streets.

Sorry if this offends any liberals out there, but I just had to get these feelings off my chest.

Goodnight all!

The results of Googling myself

I discovered this while researching the Casual Dad brand. Pretty amusing, don't you think? While I'm here, why not a quick "hats off" to the people at Google for creating the world's number one search engine. The competition doesn't even come close.

AA batteries: What's it all about?

Life can be a tricky business for the modern consumer. So many brands to choose from, and no possible way of figuring out which gives you the best value for money. I try to keep up to date by checking out the latest consumer news on the internet, but there's only so much an ordinary Joe like me can really know. And besides, who can you trust? Who can you turn to in a time of need?

Take a simple example: AA batteries. The choice on offer is truly staggering. Every electronics manufacturer you can name seems to sell their own line of batteries - Panasonic, Sony, Maxell. Not to mention every supermarket, chemist or Swedish flatpack furniture store selling their own brand when you come to peruse the invariably mind-boggling selection on offer.

Now, I'm not naive enough to believe that these batteries are all going to provide the same duration of energy output. I know you can't believe those oh-so-familiar claims like "Extra Longlife", "Stamina Plus" and so on. But there has to be some difference between the value packs you buy off a gypsy at your local car boot sale, and the kind of batteries you can buy at a well-known retailer like Boots or Maplins.

The question I'm asking is: what exactly is that difference? Allow me to personalise this story for you.

I'm on a quest. A quest to find a brand of AA battery that allows me to take more than ten pictures on my digital camera before the bloody thing loses power and stops functioning completely. Usually with the lens perilously exposed and no way to retreat the lens back into the camera for the essential security and peace of mind that I crave and simply can't have while I know the lens is unprotected.

I've tried Maxell. They lasted for about ten pictures. I've tried Duracell Plus. They didn't even provide enough power to switch the camera on. Today I looked at the Duracell M3 range, but they were almost dizzyingly overpriced. £5.99 for a four-pack? I think not. So I went for the Sony Stamina Platinums. I'll keep you posted as to the results, but I can't say I'm holding out much hope.

Sigh. Life's complicated enough without these sorts of issues bringing you down. So if anyone comes across some reliable information on the internet about which is the "Best Buy" AA battery, I'd be happy to hear from you. What I'm looking for, ideally, is some kind of graph that plots duration against cost.

Thanks readers. And I hope you're having a better time than I am at the moment. I really am a bit down in the dumps about all this battery business.

The joy of personal MP3 players

"He's a smooth operator," sang Sade through the earphones of my iPod Nano. I sauntered round the supermarket section of my local Marks and Spencer with a spring in my step. And I couldn't help but agree with her. There I was, a man in the prime of his life, making firm decisions about this week's grocery purchases. A smooth operator indeed.

"Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago," went the refrain. The perfect soundtrack to a six-pack of Southern style chicken pieces going bish-bash-bosh into the old handbasket.

There's probably nothing I like better than grooving around town with my little iPod pumping out a pre-arranged selection of my favourite tunes. I've been spotted in the office recently, usually with a playful jostle from "Bossman" Clive, tapping my fingers on the desk to the latest Keane release. I've indulged in a moment of sincere reflection in the Carphone Warehouse as Coldplay soothe my ears with their delicate melodies and philosophical lyrics.

They advertise personal MP3 players for their ability to provide your life with a soundtrack. But above all, I find their greatest asset is something else. It's their ability to cut you off from other people! Block out all the bloody noise. For example, I got home from work yesterday and young William was asking me something or other - can't remember what. Anyway, he clearly didn't realise that his old man had just been through a long day at the office and simply wanted a bit of peace to himself. Then I came up with the ideal solution. Rather than tell Andrew to go away (and thus risk rumours being spread round St James' Primary School of my shoddy parenting) I simply popped my white earphones into my ears and cranked up the volume. Then I could recline with my eyes shut into my own little world. Pure magic.

dinner party banter

Fingerless leather driving gloves

Hi there chaps and chapesses,

Does anybody else have those moments where you're about to buy something, and then just before you decide against it, a little voice pops into your head and whispers "Go on - treat yourself".

I like to call them TYS moments. TYS: Treat Yourself. I usually find that only minutes after I hear those words in my head, I'm at the checkout completing the sale.

Take yesterday, for example. I was killing some time after work in my local Debenhams, when I spied a rather natty pair of fingerless leather driving gloves. Now, I have to admit to already having a pair. I find that not only do they make me look the business, they are also scientifically proven to improve manual traction and thus reduce the chance of accidents caused by steering wheel slippage.

But my pair at home were of a slightly faded tan colour, whereas these were a handsome black. "Don't be stupid," I thought to myself. "You don't need two pairs of driving gloves. I mean who sees you driving the car?"

"You do," I answered myself firmly and confidently. I picked up the gloves and checked out the quality of the leather. A lesser brand might perish slightly with time (especially the amount I drive!), but you can always trust Debenhams. And that's when the "TYS" gremlin kicked into action. I always enjoy the innocently naughty feeling it gives me to purchase something I don't really need. And I can't help feeling slightly cocky when I hand over my Visa credit card to the cashier and punch my digits into the old chip and pin.

Anyway, within a matter of moments, I was back in the Mondeo, gloves akimbo, gently pressing down on the accelerator and slipping into fifth, as Mark Knopfler provided the ideal soundtrack : Money For Nothing.

Cleaning lady gripe

Here's a question: what's the deal with cleaning ladies? I know it's their job to clean and all, but do they really have to interfere with our personal space so much? Is it not enough to simply clean an area that's vacant?

Apparently not. Take this morning, for example. I was in the office, catching up on a bit of work. I like having the place to myself - the peace and quiet really helps me to concentrate. I mean, I'm all in favour of a bit of office chit-chat here and there, but if it's not Julie talking about the latest celebrity goss, it's some temp bothering me with silly questions, or that guy from sales whose name I don't even know talking about the game last night (brown nosing for a promotion, no doubt).

So I was sat at my PC - fixing other people's mistakes as usual - when the cleaning lady started dusting my desk!!! Can you imagine? A room full of desks to dust, and she decides to start on mine. I soon found myself craning my neck to look at my own bloody screen! And there she was, oblivious to the disturbance she was causing to an honest man earning his daily crust.

Maybe it's simple jealousy. I mean, you only need to look at her to see she doesn't earn a packet. Probably lives in squalour. And the only way she can get her kicks is by interfering with a man who doesn't have to think twice before buying his kids a new pair of trainers.

Anyway, I wasn't going to let it pass, so I caught her attention and asked her what the bloody hell she thought she was doing. "What does it look like I'm doing?", she had the impertinence to reply. I said, "It looks like you're getting in my way," and she went off in a huff to go and smoke.

I saw her later and took her aside to inform her that I could get her fired if I wanted to. Obviously, I'm not going to - but I could. And if it teaches her to let people have their own personal space, then that's no bad thing by my reckoning. No bad thing at all.